리틀팍스

  I was so confident that I was just a normal girl, which I was proud of. Especially because people started to look differently at me after my bigger sister, Ashley died. They treated me more gently than handling a just born baby, and they thought and expected that I would always be in a black dress and mourn my sister's death, and shed a tear or two when someone mention my sister. 

  It was a very unpleasant thing, expecting a growing girl to be so emotional over her sister's death while she has her own life to go too.

  That doesn't mean I wasn't depressed about my sister's death. Just that I knew better to overcome her death than to mourn it all my life, practically wasting it, and I'm sure my sister would want me to move on to the next stage than mourn her death all along. 

  Unlike normal sisters, Ashley and I were really close. Ashley was like a mother to me, and I was like a baby she gave birth to. She always thought about me first than herself, and I was the same. We shared a room, but we never complained or fought. 

  Ashley was also a very talented teacher. I used to bring somethings that I didn't understood at school. Then she would stick to my side and teach me, even though she had tons to do herself. 

  Ashley was more than a sister to me. She was my soulmate. And her death was really tragic to me, since Ashley had a bright path to her future and I felt so upset that she never saw her gain reputation as the first woman teacher who won the nobel prize, though Ashley said no teacher could win it. 

  I often wondered if her ghost was exisisting, only to see me for the last time. I'd feel really guilty if so, because I know Ashley deserve to go to heaven and spend her dead-life happily there. I don't want her to wander around, just to find me and see me for the last time, thoguh it'd be great if I could see her again.

  I was only so happy when people started treating me normally. I've been waiting for this moment for the past 5 years, and it was really sweet to be finally back to being a normal girl. Until I went to school. 

  Mother was also very upset about Ashley's death and she let me do home schooling for the 5 years, and I was finally going back to school. The first day was very strange because I wasn't used to studying around so many people, especially my age. 

  However, I desperately needed friends. Ashley once said, before her death, that friends were the things you attend school for, besides learning new things. So I tried to make some friends, and tried some nice things, but I guess nothing worked. I was just a know-it-all and a show-off to them, and they tried nothing to gain my pleasure.

  I just wanted to go home and cry because the girls were so mean to be. They acted nice on the outside, but I could see their faces showing that they hated me. It was a very unpleasant thing. Worse, the teachers didn't like me at all because I was way much smarter than them. I used to ask some complicated questions and the teachers would frown and just glare at me. School was so terrible.

  Sometimes, when I let out the lights and go lie on Ashley's bed, I could feel her. She was next to me, telling a funny story of a monkey prince. Then I'd feel weak all over and cry all night. I have to admit. I was a child. I needed someone to understand me, sympathize me, and love me. 

  I know, I have mother and father and my younger siblings, Caisy and Pauluna and little William, but they weren't enough. They'd never know the feeling of emptiness in their soul, so I think I was sometimes rude to them when they try to sympathize me in the wrong way. I felt so scared and miserable on stormy nights, reminding the night Ashley died...

  I want to overcome her death. And I want to feel the emptiness in my soul. But how....