리틀팍스

I am a very ornery girl, hard to please, and can get really stubborn in times. My pride is like a huge and tall wall that you could never climb. But when someone does climb the wall, get over it, and disrupt my pride, I get really, really ornery. I am too proud to admit that someone is better than me at somethings. Even the most small things like rock-sissor-paper. 

 I have been really proud for 7 years of my life. Until I started school that is. Before, I didn't really care if my friend was better at things like drawing or writting or studying than me, or I couldn't notice it because there was nobody to compare our skills rather than our parents and siblings. And we and they know that their judging skills weren't that good because, well, we're their family, so they weren't very sharp on little mistakes.

 Then I started school. School was like another world to me. I have never experianced school before, except kindergarten, and even that was more softer than school. 

 School judged me cruelly. When compared to a stormy ocean, I was just a helpless small boat, while my friends were fancy cruise ships. I was so jealous. 

 These FRIENDS, mean my past best friend, Ella, and my present best friend, Catherine - Cathy below. They are just Miss Perfects. I am not passing judgements, but they ARE Miss Perfects. They are great at EVERYTHING.

 Ella. She was smart, super popular, pretty, cute, and funny. She also was the class president, and had loads and loads of friends. I felt so intimidating around her. I use was instead of is because I don't know how her school life is going since I meet her once or twice a year after I moved away 2 years ago, and you clearly couldn't judge her school life just by talking. 

 Anyway. Back when I was still best friends with Ella, there was one thing that especially made me jealous. She, like Cathy, was a great author. I am not a very good author - as I found out - but Ella is - or more likey was - a great author. She's such a good writer, and is an idea box, full of exciting things. I...really envy her. I was so jealous when she won the Grand Prize of Good Neighbors Letter Writting. I didn't even won a prize while Ella had won a Grand Prize. 

 Can you imagine how envious I felt? I first felt guilty for feeling this way, because Ella is my friend and I should be happy for her that she had won the hard-to-win Grand Prize. But I couldn't help it. I stared at her certificate of award all the way we walked home togather, feeling jealous all the time. 

 Talking about prizes, I can't just leave Cathy behind. She won two of those prizes while I struggled to win just one of them. Just like Ella, she's a great writer - of course! - , and she has lots of friends. While I struggle to make friends and ask them first to be my friend, kids are asking Cathy to be their friend. And she wirtes better than me, too. I wish I was her, and I could be her. 

 I feel so upset and ornery when she goes on and on about her writings while we talk or chat. And the worst part is that people believe every word she says, while her words aren't always so good. I know. I'm being ornery again. But I can't help it. Cathy might end relationships with me after she reads this, but I really have to write this. If or if not she knew, it's giving me immense stress whenever she recieves a prize or rates something better than me, and I guess she does too feel jealous when I rates better than her, which is not a surprise because I know that everyone has jealous feelings, but mine is over the line. 

 How did - or do - I deal with them - or probably it since it's more normal asking me how I deal with my jealousy instead of whom I'm jealous of - ? It's better if I don't say, but I'll go insane if I don't say it, like the barber did when he saw the king's long ear. He'd gone half crazy 'cause he couldn't tell people that the king had a donkey ear, and I don't want to go half crazy or entirely crazy. So I'll just say it and be done with it. 

 I didn't kill them if you were thinking that. I didn't. I am NOT a murdurer, thank you very much. 

 But I did run away from them. At least one of them. I ran away from Ella by moving away. Well, I hadn't expected to move. One day my parents just blurted out that we had to move because of mom's work - she's a teacher, and she gets transfered to one school to the other - and dad's work - they say his hospital is more closer to where we'll move than the place we lived back then -, but since we did move away, it gave me a chance to run away from Ella. Running away from a problem doesn't solve it, but I didn't really cared for that back then since it seemed to solve many things, especially the part that I'll see Ella once or twice in a year. I really miss her, and she probably misses me too, so I expect we all won't spend our valuable time talking about what prizes she won when we meet. This is how I ran away. I ran away from Ella's prizes. IF you call that running away. But I still regret don't telling Ella how jealous I was of her back then. If I did, I would've felt much more better now.

 But as everyone says, running away from a problem doesn't solve it, and I had to believe it when I met Cathy. She's my best friend. I think this might hurt her feelings, but I really get annoyed when she talks behind my back - well...this isn't true. She more likely talks INFRONT of me than my back, but whatever. As I write this, I know that Cathy did did these, but probably not on purpose. 

 Cathy is such a good writer. And she makes new friend everyday. I think she has at least 10 or more friends, or at least some friends who she texts rather than me. I felt so jealous when Ella played with another friend, and I regret running away from her when she did. 'Cause I have to deal with these problem with Cathy now. Cathy is making new friends by the minute. I can't watch, or bare the thought of Cathy being, well, un-best friendly to me. It's just that...I really want a best friend. Or at least a friend to talk to or come over to my house after school, and I only got Cathy who's doing all that. No other people. 

 I know, I'm just being selfish and thinking of myself. But what do you expect me to do?

 To sum up, I want them all by my self since I don't have many - or any - friends. 

 I really struggle to make friends while Cathy is just naturally blending in. I envy her for it. And I guess I will never stop envying her. 

 But you know what? Friends with a Miss Perfect isn't really bad when you go into the world of make beliven fantasy - as normal people call, books. I just forget everything, and become the main character of the book - I sometimes get too lost in the books that when the book ends kind of sadly, I feel gloomy all day. Sometimes, even for weeks. 

 So that's probably the number two of how I deal with my jealousy. Do what I like. Write, draw, read, or even chat with my friends - or friend; Cathy. 

 To sum up my whole idea, I'm bad at most likely everything - except maybe studying - while my friends are Miss Perfects. So I deal with my jealous feelings by reading a book - forget running away. It's too barbaric and single-headed, and I can't always run away - so I recommand doing-you're-favorite-thing-that-makes-you-forget-everything - not everything like you're name or adress or other important things because than, it's just a mind loss, not doing-you're-favorite-thing-that-makes-you-forget-everything - when you feel like a loser.